Is it progression if a cannibal uses a fork?


Dear Cass,

It would be so simple to say yes, but that would be ignoring the subtle assumptions written between the lines here. See, the problem is in assuming that cannibals are by default not progressed enough to use a fork.

In primary school, a boy in my class who is not important enough to have a memorable name [which is just as well, because there'd probably be some serious privacy issues involved if I actually wrote his name] claimed to have eaten human meat. I believe he glorified how sweet it is.

This proves that he was lying, as I suspect he was also doing when he claimed to have long since lost his virginity, and to have smoked enough pot to have lungs full of tar. The proof is solid, because in a documentary I saw even earlier in life [which I also conveniantly cannot remember the name of], the leader of the cannibal tribe said that human meat is very bitter and not enjoyable to eat in the least. But devouring part of another person's spirit is apparently quite refreshing.

This made me consider turning to cannibalism. After all, who doesn't want to feel refreshed? At that stage in my life, I had long since learnt to use a fork, even with my spaghetti.

So, in conclusion, it is not progression is a cannibal uses a fork. It is, however, great progression if a fork-user becomes a cannibal.

And thus concludes the story of why I am no longer allowed to work in restaurants or pie shops.

Ryan The Great

Depends on what it's made of. Sticks? Sure. Stainless steel? Absolutely. Bones from a previous meal?

...the jury's still out on that one...

The Cozburger


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